like the cats can

i wish i never had to see anyone ever again. i'm not happy. i haven't been since before i knew anything about myself... which is confusing because today i had that moment i've been dreading my entire life... i gave myself a good look in the mirror and didn't recognize a thing about my own face.
i can't afford my medications, but i can't afford not to take them.
i don't miss chicago, but i miss looking forward to it.
most days i hope i never wake up.
i just want to be happy, but i have already accepted it's not going to end up that way for me.
i can't write in livejournal anymore.
i'm sketchier than ever these days and i hate everyone new i meet.
i'm a mess... and it's all my own fault.

please don't bother with me.

here i am. did you miss me? i doubt you did, but in case you did.. thanks :)
i'm working at Citi. doin the jobs. broke up with ryan. dated this boy named eric. didn't work out. back to being single. life's ok.
i'm on lexapro for depression and anxiety now. i think it's working.
i have a headache and i took ibuprofen but it doesn't seem to be helping.
leaa moved to los angeles the other day. i miss her.
i'm going to see the x-files movie tonight.
i'm boring.

i'd imagine my blog is happy nothing ever works out for me... because if it did i would be happy and i would never bother writing in one of these things again.
i sort of hate my life but only when i'm awake.

my nails keep breaking. that's ok, i'm in the best mood ever. tonight i got a high score on the area 51 arcade game at jim's truck stop. #7, motherfuckers! i am stoked as hell. alex and i got X marks the spot and totally revealed a female officer in a "compromising position"!!! it was awesome. high score though! so pumped!

i have a job interview tomorrow. it's really just at a temp agency, but i hope they give me SOMETHING. anything is really better than what i have. i just need to be making more is all. i really need either a kickass job where i don't make much but am happy OR any job that pays in bags of cash. if i ever get rich i'm gonna go to the bank with a canvas sack with $ painted on it in green and have them fill it up with cash and not even care if i get robbed on the way out the door. it would be so awesome to carry a bag full of money with a money sign on it. just like cartoons!

i just made the most bullshit resume i have ever seen in my entire life. it's so vague and ridiculous. it has pretty green boxes at the top though. god bless microsoft works templates, ha.

ryan is on tour and i miss being able to talk to him whenever. i mean, i guess i still can... but i don't want to bug him while he's on vacation. i want him to have a great time! and i get to see him in like a month, so i am stoked on that. i mean i get to see him pretty much whenever in a month. it's going to be so weird and so awesome. i still think my boyfriend is great and i love him very much. from afar, but it's real love either way.

i guess i'm gonna go to bed and wake up early and do laundry so that i have clean underwear.

nobody reads this! cool! <3

i haven't really thought of this thing lately. i kind of am on the internet less and less. it's nice. as gross as i felt last month, i don't feel that way anymore.

you can't touch me, i'm invincible... hey. yeah.

my job is almost over and i need a new one because i am saving money and going back to chicago.

i guess it's not really a joke anymore. i'm miserable and everything makes me physically sick.

i wish my nail polish would dry so i could go to bed.

my new computer rules.

Today was pretty awesome. I played two games of bowling for $1 each. Leaa got a "turkey" because she's super lucky. (she sucks really bad at bowling). Leaa and I tried to figure out how to work her father's 4 track because we're making sweet demos of our super "punx" band. went with Leaa to pick up three Dickies 10"s, all on colored vinyl! she's super excited because their cover of Black Sabbath's "paranoid" is on one of the 10"s, and she thinks they do an amazing job. Ended the night with Scrabble and like 100 cups of coffee. After dropping me off at home, Leaa decided she'd really like to take a roadtrip somewhere and listen to Fu Manchu the entire time.

haha i am so funny.

anyway, yeah, bowling ruled. i put my name in as kimmy ramone and bowled shittily as hell, but didn't break any nails... so really, i won in terms of being awesome.
i had to work this morning and last night i had the worst sleep ever. i have to go to a fucking meeting tomorrow morning (!>?!?!df it's fucking PAYLESS) at 9:30 and after the meeting i'm going to the gym. i put on a shirt today that didn't used to fit and it fit great. rules. i got two new pairs of shoes today too. not weird since i buy shoes like one out of every four times i go to work. oh well. i like shoes.
russel from school called today to let me know i need a cosigner on my signature loan. thing is though that we already talked about it and i told him i can't get one. i dunno. i tried. i'm gonna call him monday after work, but not tomorrow. tomorrow i'm relaxing on the whole school thing. i need a break from those phone calls and hours spent at kinkos.
my new computer shipped 8/17 apparently sooo it should be here by tuesdayish. i'm excited. i have off tuesday and i think they are packages i have to sign for. i'm gonna be so stoked to sign for them. i'm gonna wake up early on my days off just to wait for packages. i miss doing that!! i used to stay home sick from school when i thought i might get a package, ha. i miss doing that even more.
i'm going to bed. fuck some meeting. so annoyed. i'm gonna wear my cubs shirt and jeans. hopefully it's not a bizcasual meeting.

i don't really write in this. i tried. it was easier to say things and mean them when i said things and meant them. now i say nothing and don't really mean it. what?
i hope my new computer comes soon. i mean that.

i'm gonna be embarrassed of these internet journals in a few years, i know it.